Just an ugly duckling.

I feel like shit whenever I look at my photos.
I wonder when can I be good enough. I wonder why am I not pretty. Yes I'm not confident at all. I need you to give me confidence.
But I know I'm just an ugly duckling or even uglier for you. Sigh.

I really wanna make you proud for once but yeah I will just embarrass you, right?

Everything kills.

Yeah. Jealousy kills. Insecurity kills. Everything kills.
You don't know how much it kills me. You must be thinking I'm too sensitive or what but don't you it's just too obvious?
Yeah I know I'm not pretty. I'm not smart neither. I have nothing good. I'm prolly the worst girlfriend on earth. And I know every girl around you is much prettier than me. They're even better than me. I will never be what you want. I suck and I know, right? This is how insecurity kills me but of course, I'm pretty sure that you don't understand.

I care. But I care too much. It hurts because it matters. If I don't love you, if I don't care about you, I won't be like now. I can't be like oh whatever who cares.
It's just too much to take.
I hate it when you ignore me.
I hate it when you treat me like a stranger.
Maybe you don't realize it but I can feel it.
Sometimes I really don't know what can I do. I'm trying to be the best but it seems like it's never enough no matter how hard I try.

I'm sick of bursting into tears every night. Everything's not going well. I really suck at being in a relationship. FOREVER FAIL.

I really love you.
I really like spending time with you. I like hugging you. I'm willing to sacrifice just to see you. But.. do you feel the same way?..

读回以前blog的，越读越痛
我知道回不到像以前那样了，想都不用想
去年什么都很好，除了一些家里的问题
今年什么都没有了，一整年就是很没有快乐的感觉
可是我很庆幸有一班新的朋友，因为他们，第一次让我没有讨厌上课
在学校，什么心情不好都没有了，什么都不用想，很好
或许他们都认为我是个开心果，因为我常弄他们笑，幽默感太好 哈
我不常跟他们说我有什么问题为什么我心情不好，就是不想 lol
一整年感情都很像没有很顺利，我知道他对我的感觉一天比一天淡
其实我自己知道就算他的SPM过了，都没有什么分别
I can't feel his love towards me, 好像都很陌生了
有时候看到他对她那样讲话我很吃醋，因为他从来没有那样跟我说话
或许是因为他没有那么在乎我，或是他不想
我希望他能爱我多一点，比去年年尾多，可是这种根本不能勉强
有时候很伤心，可是他跟我flirt一下，什么伤心都没有了，可是过后又很emo
有时候我很困惑，我根本不知道要怎样，我知道就算坦白跟他说一切他也不会明白
你知道吗，我很不想放弃，我很希望我们能到想我们所说的未来
我每一天都很怕，很他今天跟他说话，明天又没有，很怕他今天对我好，明天他连理都不要理我
有时候我知道跟我说话很闷，我知道他需要空间，所以他就找几个借口 end the convo，我明白的
我觉得自己好像他的陌生人，不懂，就是感觉得到
我知道他宁可跟他们说话都不会浪费时间在我身上
我很羡慕她们，我知道对他来说我一直都不够好，我一直有在改，可是后来发现在怎么改都是一样的
想做工赚钱买一样他真的满意的礼物给他，可是还有机会吗？
我其实很讨厌想到那些回忆，我很怀念因为现在什么都变了
喜欢在晚上哭到累了就睡，至少我不用想很多，想到自己都睡不下

他很好，只是我爱太多，在乎太多